[on Plastic Surgery:] When I Die, God

A Passport Picture Is A Photo Of A Man That He Can Laugh At Without Realizing That It Looks Exactly The Way His Friends See Him.

Never Go To Bed Mad. Stay Up And Fight.

To Get A Roaster Clean, Send Something Like Baked Apples In It To A Neighbor. Neighbors Always Return Pans Spotless, And You Won't Have To Use A Blow Torch On It Like You Usually Do.

I Don't Like To Cook. I Can Make A Tv Dinner Taste Like Radio.

You Want To Look Younger... Rent Smaller Children.