I Was Almost Put Out Of Business

I Was Married Once--in San Francisco. I Haven't Seen Her For Many Years. The Great Earthquake And Fire In 1906 Destroyed The Marriage Certificate. There's No Legal Proof. Which Proves That Earthquakes Aren't All Bad.

Reminds Me Of My Safari In Africa. Somebody Forgot The Corkscrew And For Several Days We Had To Live On Nothing But Food And Water.

Fields' Reply: He'd Think I Was A Sissy.

I Think Of The Church Often. Not Because Religion Was Closing In On Me, But Because For A Long Time My Ass Was Sore From That Hard, Unupholstered Pew.

Hollywood Is The Gold Cap On A Tooth That Should Have Been Pulled Out Years Ago.