I Don't Mind Aging, I Just Don't

The Glass Is Always Half Empty. All Good Comedians Are Manic-depressive.

If You Don't Want Gays In The Military, Make The Uniforms Ugly.

Every Time I Get On An Airplane I Figure It's Gonna Get Blown Up. You Live On The Edge.

Both Of My Parents Got To See Me Host Carson, Thank God. That's All Anyone Wants: To Have Their Parents See They're Going To Be All Right In Life.

I Now Consider It A Good Day When I Don't Step On My Boobs.