We All Hope For Breakthrough Rebirth Moments.

Even When I Go To A Salad Bar, I Need To Feel Like I'm One Of The First People There.

Ex-girlfriends Will Find Themselves In My New Routine. Sometimes They Like That, And Sometimes They Definitely Do Not. But Comedians Should Come With A Giant Warning Or Disclaimer: If You Date Me, It Will Be In My Act.

I Miss Dating Only For That Final Moment You Kiss Goodnight, Watch Her Get Out Of Your Car And Run Into The Police Station.

I Don't Like When Juice Wears Tights, Its A Horrible Combination When Juice Wears Tights.

What Happens In Vegas, I'm Telling Everyone.