My Girlfriend Asked Me If I Only

I Got An Email From My Ex, Telling Me That She Has Aids. I Didn't Know How To Comfort Her, So I Just Wrote Back I Know.

I Killed A Squirrel Once With A Car. Twice With A Tennis Racket.

I Have That Need In Me, I Want Everyone To Love Me, But I'm Embarrassed By That Need, So I Wanted To Cover It Up In My Persona. I Felt Like I Wouldn't Be Able To Do Stand-up For A Career If I Was Needy. I Didn't Want To Be Complaining Or Whining Onstage. I Wanted To Be Cool And Do Exactly What I Wanted To Do. That Way I Would Never Have To Change For Anybody.

With Comics, You Always Talk About A Big Break, But There Are A Lot Of Big Breaks In Your Life And Not One Of Them Makes A Big Difference.

Disasters Are Funny To Me. As A Comedian You Learn From Failure, So I'm Always Trying To Put Myself In A Situation That Does Not Seem Ideal For My Comedy And See How It Works.