I Got An Email From My Ex,

You'll Get My Assault Weapon When You Pry It Out Of My Curious Six-year-old's Cold Dead Hands.

I Have A Rare Form Of Body Dysmorphia In Which I Absolutely Can't Stand How Good I Look.

There Is Nothing That's Off Limits. If People Think Something Is Off Limits, I Make It My Business To Go Make A Joke About It; That's My Job.

My Dad Was Amazing. He Raised Five Boys. All By Himself. Without The Rest Of Us Knowing.

I Like To Read, But Otherwise I'm Just Your Average, Self-obsessed Comedian. It's Pretty Much All I Think About.