I've Been Writing Jokes Since I'm Fifteen.

I Went To A Gay Bar, They Wanted Proof Of Sex So I Showed Them, They Said It Wasn't Enough.

When I Was Forty, I Was Getting Divorced, Living In A Low-class, Dirty Hotel In New York. My Mother Was Dying Of Cancer. I Owed $20,000. That Was About The Lowest. I Came Back To Show Business, And I Couldn't Get A Job. I Was Turned Down By Every Small-time Agent In New York.

I Get No Respect... I Tell You, When I Was Born, The Doctor Smacked My Mother

People Say Fish Is Good For A Diet. But Fish Should Never Be Cooked In Butter. Fish Should Be Cooked In Its Natural Oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

Me And My Dad Used To Play Tag, He'd Drive!