In A Late-night Monologue, It's Not Just

The One Thing I've Found You Really Can't Joke About - And People Think It's Death Or Something - Is Money. No One Thinks It's Funny, Whether You Have It Or You Don't. Money Is Just Something No One Seems To Like Joking About.

I Was A Weird Kid Because I Liked To Be Alone, But I Craved Attention. It Was Important For Me To Be Cool, But I Couldn't Keep My Mouth Shut. So I Was Either Talking For The Sake Of Talking, Or I Was Curled Up With A Book Somewhere Hiding From Everyone.

My Ex-girlfriend Owned A Parakeet…oh My God, That F**king Thing Would Never Shut Up. But The Bird Was Cool.

My Girlfriend Asked Me If I Only Love Her For Her Body. I Said No, Baby. Just Parts Of It.

Halloween Is Just A Made Up Holiday, Created By The Razor Blade Industry.