I'm Terrible About People Wanting To Take

I Don't Want My Personal Life To Change. I Don't Understand Why People Strive For Fame. I Know It's Ironic For Me To Be Saying This, But This Will Be The Last One I Do.

I Don't Mean To Be Gross, But The Only Time It's Good To Yell "i Have Diarrhea" Is When You're Playing Scrabble Because It's Worth A Shitload Of Points.

Four Years Ago On This Very Day I Tried To Take My Own Life. And I Said, "zach, Do It In Front Of Your Co-workers And End The Misery." I Don't Know How Many Of You Ever Tried To Jump Off Of A Pizza Hut, But You'll Just Get A Sprained Ankle Out Of The Deal. Then You'll Have To Go Back Inside, And Serve Crazy Bread.

I Just Try To Keep Myself A Traditionalist. I Liked Being An Underground Comic Doing My Thing. I Want To Maintain That. I Just Do.

Fat Jokes To Me Are Always, Always Hilarious, As Long As They're Done Towards Yourself.