I’m Not A Religious Person; I Would

The First Time I Had Sex, I Didn't Know What I Was Doing. It Was A Relief When The Whole Thing Was Over After Just 45 Minutes.

In Comedy, I Hate That Cop-out Where You Say, "just Kidding." I Know You're Just Kidding. Don't Insult My Intelligence By Spelling It Out For Me That Much.

I Spent All Night Feeding The Homeless To Dogs.

I'm Actually A Really Nice Guy, Once You Get To Blow Me.

I Can Stand By A Tweet. But Comedy Central Said They Couldn't Publicly Support Me, Unless I Deleted It. I Wasn't About To Tell The People Who Work For Me That They Didn't Have Jobs Anymore Because I Wasn't Going To Delete A Stupid Tweet.