I Like To Come To Washington, D.c.,

My Old Friend Jack Benny Has Only Had One Ball All His Golfing Life. And Now He's Lost It. The String Came Off!

Personally, I Never Drink On Oscar Nights, As It Interferes With My Suffering.

In England When You Make A Movie Even The Weather Is Against You. In Hollywood The Weatherman Gets A Shooting Schedule From All The Major Studios And Then Figures Out Where He Can Fit In A Little Rain Without Upsetting Metro-goldwyn-mayer Too Much.

If I Had That Kind Of Money, I Wouldn't Come To Vietnam, I'd Send For It.

President Eisenhower Has Given Up Golf For Painting. It Takes Fewer Strokes.