Yesterday, The White House Confirmed That President

I Can Watch An Episode Of Jerry Seinfeld, And By The End, I'm Just Walking Around My House, You Know, Talking Like Jerry Seinfeld. 'what Is That? What Are You Doing? Who Is It? What's Going' - You Know, I Just Had That Thing, When I Grew Up, I'd Just Start Talking Like People. You Know, I Always Had That.

Iran Said It Will Give Up Trying To Make A Nuclear Weapon. But It Got Awkward When Iran Said, 'but Just For Lent. We'll Start Again On Monday.'

A New Study Found That Women Think Men Holding A Guitar Are More Attractive, Even If They Are Not Playing It. In A Related Story, Guys With An Accordion Will Die Alone.

Apple Is Apparently Building A Large Solar Energy Farm In North Carolina. And If There's Any Justice, The Minute They're Done Building It, God Will Introduce A Newer, Smaller Sun That's Not Compatible With Their Machinery.

Vladimir Putin Bribed A Soccer Official With A Picasso Painting So He Would Support Russia's Bid To Host The 2018 World Cup. Putin Was Like, 'it Wasn't Picasso, Just Picture Of What His Face Would Look Like If He Said No.' (nose Over Here, Eye Up Here, Ear In Forehead.)