[writing A Joke] There Is No Team

Apple Is Apparently Building A Large Solar Energy Farm In North Carolina. And If There's Any Justice, The Minute They're Done Building It, God Will Introduce A Newer, Smaller Sun That's Not Compatible With Their Machinery.

People Ask Me, Jimmy, Howd You Get Here Tonight. Lets Just Say It Involved A Two-hour Make-out Session With Elaine Stritch. It Got Pretty Heavy Actually, I Almost Had To Host.

During A Charity Boxing Match On Friday, Mitt Romney Lasted Two Rounds Against Evander Holyfield And Raised A Million Dollars. It Was Just Like Holyfield's Fight With Mike Tyson, Except Romney Chewed Off His Other Ear Talking About His 18 Grandchildren.

A Massive Power Outage In Washington, D.c., Today Affected A Number Of Federal Buildings, Including The White House. When Asked When They Could Restore Power To The White House, Officials Said, '2016?'

Starbucks Is Planning To Close Down All The Restrooms In Its New York Locations. Which Explains The Most Popular New Starbucks Order: An Empty Cup.