When You're Doing Standup You're Kind Of

I Do Not Have A Helmet. But This Is A Wig, So It's A Little Protective.

I'll Never Forget My Grandmother's Last Words. She Said 'what Are You Doing?'

Four Years Ago On This Very Day I Tried To Take My Own Life. And I Said, "zach, Do It In Front Of Your Co-workers And End The Misery." I Don't Know How Many Of You Ever Tried To Jump Off Of A Pizza Hut, But You'll Just Get A Sprained Ankle Out Of The Deal. Then You'll Have To Go Back Inside, And Serve Crazy Bread.

I Don't Like Cursing In Movies. I Feel Like Cursing Has Become The New Hackiness. You Try To Find Substitutions For Cursing.

I Don't Want My Personal Life To Change. I Don't Understand Why People Strive For Fame. I Know It's Ironic For Me To Be Saying This, But This Will Be The Last One I Do.