When I Was Little, I Would Burn

I Can Drink Like A Fish, Or At Least, Someone Born With Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

Halloween Is Just A Made Up Holiday, Created By The Razor Blade Industry.

I Loved Stephen Wright, And I Loved Mitch Hedberg, But They Seemed Like Geniuses You Could Never Emulate. You'd Just Be Ripping Them Off.

Yesterday I Accidentally Hit A Little Kid With My Car. It Wasn't Serious — Nobody Saw Me.

I Guess I Prefer The Laughs. I Couldn't Do A Whole Set Of Just Shocks, But I Like Throwing A Fastball Inside Every Now And Then To Keep People On Their Toes.