They Change The Sheets Every Day... From

In High School, When I Played Football I Got No Respect. I Shared A Locker With A Mop.

Dad Told Me To Stop Running In Circles, I Couldn't, So He Nailed Down My Other Foot!

We Sleep In Separate Rooms, We Have Dinner Apart, We Take Separate Vacations - We're Doing Everything We Can To Keep Our Marriage Together.

I Was Making Love To This Girl And She Started Crying. I Said, "are You Going To Hate Yourself In The Morning?" She Said, "no, I Hate Myself Now."

If You Can't Write Your Own Material, You Have Very Little Chance Of Making It As A Comedian.