The Best Thing About Being 45 Is

Owning A Dog Is Slightly Less Expensive Than Being Addicted To Crack.

When I Hug Her, I Notice She's Still Wearing Yesterday's False Eyelashes. Mom? You Know Those Come Off With A Little Makeup Remover And A Cotton Pad?" I'm Not Taking Them Off." Why Not?" I Spent $180 On That Makeup Job And I Refuse To Wash My Face Until I Get My Money's Worth.

I'm Very Detail Oriented. I Think That's Why People Enjoy My Memoirs - Because I Tend To Remember Everything.

I've Determined The Ideal Job For Me Is One Where I Can Write Clever Essays About My Life And My Employer Will Give Me Enough Money Not Only To Live A Comfortable Existence, But Also To Buy Many, Many New Pairs Of Shoes.

The Best Thing About Being 45 Is Not Taking Myself So Seriously.