Thank You... Motion Sensor Hand Towel Machine.

A Pennsylvania Woman Convicted For Shoplifting Was Sentenced To Wear A Badge That Reads "convicted Shoplifter." However, Her Lawyers Hope To Plea Bargain Down To A Bumper Sticker Reading "i'd Rather Be Stealing!.

A Girl In New York Whose Parents Were On Wife Swap Is Suing The Show For 100-million Dollars For Making Her Look Like A Spoiled Brat. Note To Girl: Guess What Else Makes You Look Like A Spoiled Brat? Being 15 And Suing For A Hundred Million Dollars.

The White House Announced That President Obama Will Attend A Summit In Kenya This July. When Asked If He's Ever Been To Kenya, Obama Said, 'of Course. I Was Born - No, Bored - Over There. There's Nothing To Do In Kenya.'

Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie Announced That He's Endorsing Mitt Romney For President. It's Good News For Romney. I Mean, You Always Want Chris Christie On Your Side. Unless You're In A Canoe.

I Can't Believe There Are So Many People Who Aren't Us.