Now, I'm Not Against Sex Before Marriage,

I Was Getting Dressed And A Peeping Tom Looked In The Window, Took A Look And Pulled Down The Shade.

My Daughter Refuses To Call Me Mother In Public; My Little Grandson Calls Me Spongeslob Squarebottom, And Nobody Else Ever Calls Me At All.

A Female Salmon Lays Three Thousand Eggs A Year - And Has Yet To Receive A Mother's Day Card From One Of Them.

I Was So Ugly That My Parents Sent My Picture To 'ripley's Believe It Or Not' - They Sent It Back And Said, "we Don't Believe It."

Don't Talk To Me About Gravity. When I Get Out Of Bed In The Morning, I Have To Be Careful Not To Step On My Breasts.