New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter Said That

A Recent Study Found That People Lie More When They Are Texting. Yeah, Especially That One Lie: "sorry, Just Got Your Text!

The Senate Has Passed A New Bill That Requires Tv Stations To Lower The Volume Level On Commercials. This Is Great, A Hundred Of The Most Powerful People In The Nation Have Managed To Do The Same Thing My Remote Does.

That's Right, Mitt Romney Took On Evander Holyfield In A Boxing Match For Charity, And It Was A Pretty One-sided Fight. But It Was Still Not The Worst Boxing Match We've Seen This Month. This Weekend Vladimir Putin Played In An Exhibition Hockey Game With Some Former Nhl Players And Scored Eight Goals. Even Evander Holyfield And Mitt Romney Said, 'that Looks Fake.'

In An Interview, President Obama Said He Recently Deejayed A Small Dance Party At The White House. Obama Has A Lot In Common With Deejays. He Takes Requests And Then Completely Ignores Them.

The Department Of Agriculture Announced That It Will Ban Six New Strains Of E. Coli. Which Explains Why The Hot Dog Vendor Outside My Building Is Now Just Selling Napkins.