My Political Position Is That I'm Happy

I Was Christmas Shopping And Ran Into A Guy On The Street. I Noticed His Watch And Said That It Runs Slow. He Said, "so Does The Guy I Stole It From."

President Obama's Trying To Work Out A Nuclear Deal With Iran, And The Republicans Are Steamed. They Got Together And Sent Iran A Letter About The Nuclear Deal. They Said If This Doesn't Work, By God, They're Going To Send Seth Rogen And James Franco.

The Morning After I Had My Heart Bypass, The Doctor Called And Said, Soon You'll Be Able To Have Sex. I Said, I've Heard That For Years.

I'm Nothing If Not An Optimist.

What We Know About Osama Bin Laden Is This: He's Worth $300 Million, He Has Five Wives And Twenty-six Kids -- And He Hates Americans For Their "excessive" Lifestyle.