John Goodman Isn't Fat. He's In A

Jesus Is Still Up In Heaven, Thumbing Through His Bible, Going 'where Did I Say Build A Water Slide?'

There's Always 30 Or 40 Christians Standing Around, Saying, "it's A Shame That He Has To Die." And Jesus Is Saying, "well, Maybe I Wouldn't Have To If Somebody Would Get A Ladder And Pair Of Pliers!!"

With Any Other Celebrity, People Come Up And Say, 'hey, I Really Like Your Work.' But With My Fans, When They See Me, They Don't Even Say Hello. They Just Go, 'awwwwwghghhhghghrrr!'

Folks, I've Been Straight For Seventeen Days... Not All In A Row.

Jesus Had A Tough Life. I Read About That Guy. Jesus Is The Only Guy That Ever Came Back From The Dead That Didn't Scare The F- Out Of Everybody!