I Was Booked Into The Riviera Hotel

My Manager Said, "don't Use Liquor As A Crutch!" I Can't Use Liquor As A Crutch, Because A Crutch Helps Me Walk.

I Was At A Restaurant, And I Ordered A Chicken Sandwich, But I Don't Think The Waitress Understood Me. She Asked Me, "how Would You Like Your Eggs?" I Thought I Would Answer Her Anyway And Said, "incubated! And Then Raised, Plucked, Beheaded, Cut Up, Put Onto A Grill, And Then Put Onto A Bun. Damn! I Don't Have That Much Time! Scrambled!"

The Next Time I Move I Hope I Get A Real Easy Phone Number, Something Like 2222222. People Will Ask, "mitch, How Do I Get A Hold Of You?" I'll Say, "just Press Two For A While, When I Answer, You'll Know That You've Pressed Two Enough."

I Don't Get The Regular Aids Test Anymore. I Get The Roundabout Aids Test. I Ask My Friend Brian, "do You Know Anybody Who Has Aids?". He Says, "no". I Say, "cool, Because You Know Me."

On A Traffic Light Green Means 'go' And Yellow Means 'yield', But On A Banana It's Just The Opposite. Green Means 'hold On,' Yellow Means 'go Ahead,' And Red Means, 'where The Hell Did You Get That Banana At?'