I Spent Half My Money On Gambling,

Never Eat At A Place Called 'moms', But If The Only Other Place In Town Has A Sign That Says 'eats', Go Back To Moms.

To Me, These Biblical Stories Are Just So Many Fish Stories, And I'm Not Specifically Referring To Jonah And The Whale. I Need Indisputable Proof Of Anything I'm Asked To Believe.

Thou Shalt Not Steal-only From Other Comedians.

Drown In A Cold Vat Of Whiskey? Death, Where Is Thy Sting?

I Was In Love With A Beautiful Blonde Once. She Drove Me To Drink. That's The One Thing I'm Indebted To Her For.