I Just Clipped 2 Articles From A

If Compliments Were Food, I'd Have Starved To Death 28 Years Ago.

I Was A Closet Pacifier Advocate. So Were Most Of My Friends. Unknown To Our Mothers, We Owned Thirty Or Forty Of Those Little Suckers That Were Placed Strategically Around The House So A Cry Could Be Silenced In Less Than Thirty Seconds. Even Though Bottles Were Boiled, Rooms Disinfected, And Germs Fought One On One, No One Seemed To Care Where The Pacifier Had Been.

I Hated Skiing Or Any Other Sport Where There Was An Ambulance Waiting At The Bottom Of The Hill.

She's As Funny As A Toothache

[on Her Father's Death:] I Didn't Know His Leaving Would Hurt So Much.