I Hadn't Intended To End Up There.

Look, Peta! If God Hadn't Wanted Us To Eat Animals, He Wouldn't Have Made Them So Darn Tasty!

Comedians Dissect Jokes All The Time. Comedians Are Beautiful Structuralists. But Ultimately It's An Athletic Endeavor.

Trump Will Not Respond To Reasoned Argument. He Will Not Be Held Accountable For The Things He Said. All You Can Do Is Point And Laugh. Because The Devil Cannot Abide Mockery.

I'm A Satirist, So I've Got Boxing Gloves On If The Person Is Worthy Of Satire. But I'm Not An Assassin. If That Ever Happens, It's Only Because Something Happened During The Interview That Got Me Going, And Then I Had To Translate My Feelings To The Mouth Of The Character.

It's Time For Me To Give Out An Award To Newly Elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner Was Elected Just A Few Days Ago To Reform House Republicans, Who Are Feeling The Heat From Lobbyist Scandals. Well, Cnn Found Out That He Rents His Two-bedroom Apartment From A Lobbyist Who Had Clients Who Had Interests In Legislation That Boehner Sponsored. And For That, Mr. Boehner, You've Just Won A Pair Of Stephen Colbert's Big Brass Balls.