I Could Tell My Parents Hated Me.

If It Wasn't For Pick-pockets I'd Have No Sex Life At All.

I Can't Get No Respect.

My Wife Is So Fat That The Last Time I Saw Something That Big It Was Grazing.

When I Got Back Into Show Business In 1961, I Felt - For Obvious Reasons - That Nothing In My Life Went Right, And I Realized That Millions Of People Felt The Same Way. So When I First Came Back My Catch Phrase Was "nothing Goes Right." Early On, That Was My Setup For A Lot Of Jokes.

Last Week My Tie Caught On Fire, Some Guy Tried To Put It Out With An Axe.