How Do I Get To Carnegie Hall?

I Don't Want To Tell You How Much Insurance I Carry With The Prudential, But All I Can Say Is: When I Go, They Go Too.

I Believe In Being Honest With Myself. If There's One Thing I Hate It's When A Comedian Is Great And Won't Admit It. I've Never Met One Like That, But If I Did, I'd Hate Them.

I Gambled At The Crap Table All Night And Finally Lost $8, But During That Time The House Gave Me Four Drinks And Two Cigars, So It Was Still A Lot Cheaper Than Renting A Room.

I'm Like Will Rogers, I Never Met A Man I Didn't Like... Well, Eichmann Maybe.

I Don't Deserve This Award, But I Have Arthritis And I Don't Deserve That Either.