Don't Stay In Bed, Unless You Can

Happiness Is A Dry Martini And A Good Woman ... Or A Bad Woman.

I Use The Cigar For Timing Purposes. If I Tell A Joke, I Smoke As Long As They Laugh And When They Stop Laughing I Take The Cigar Out Of My Mouth And Start My Next Joke.

It's No Surprise That Things Are So Screwed Up: Everyone That Knows How To Run A Government Is Either Driving Taxicabs Or Cutting Hair.

Happiness? A Good Cigar, A Good Meal, A Good Cigar And A Good Woman - Or A Bad Woman; It Depends On How Much Happiness You Can Handle.

I Don't Believe In Dying. It's Been Done. I'm Working On A New Exit. Besides, I Can't Die Now - I'm Booked.