By The Time We Get To Church,

If You Ever Start Feeling Like You Have The Goofiest, Craziest, Most Dysfunctional Family In The World, All You Have To Do Is Go To A State Fair. Because Five Minutes At The Fair, You'll Be Going, 'you Know, We're Alright. We Are Dang Near Royalty.'

I've Got Nothing Against Tattoos. I Don't Have One Myself. If I Did, It Would Be Right There Next To My Watch. It Would Say "your Wife's Birthday Is August 2nd, Your Anniversary Is September 18th, Don't Let Ron White Drive Your Car Again."

You Might Be A Redneck If When You Leave Your House, You Are Followed By Federal Agents Of The Bureau Of Alcohol Tobacco And Firearms, And The Only Thing You Worry About Is If You Can Lose Them Or Not.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Father Encourages You To Quit School Because Larry Has An Opening On The Lube Rack.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Watch Cartoons Long After Your Kids Get Bored.