Anytime We Go To A New Town

I Don't Really Like Actors. Actors Are Like Terrible Comedians With No Punch Lines. It's All About Them. They Talk About Themselves All The Time. They Bore The Sh - T Out Of You.

I Have This Thing Built Into My Contract That The Club Has To Put Up A Sign That Says My Act "contains The Strongest Language And Material Content Imaginable," But, Believe It Or Not, I Still Get Complaints. People Want You To Be What They Want You To Be. If They See You On Tv And That's What They Like, They Want You To Be Exactly Like That When They See You Live. And If You're Not, Some Of Them Get Upset.

The Only Time I Commit To Conspiracy Theories Is When Something Way Retarded Happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald Acting Alone.

People For The Most Part Can Smell Lies, At Least I Thought That Until I Saw Audiences Applaud At Carlos Mencia.

Phil Hartman Was Brilliant, And Dave Foley Is A Really Funny Guy. Phil Hartman Was Actually Even Funnier Offstage Than He Was Onstage Because He Would Say Nasty Things. Dave Foley's Very Funny, Very Witty Guy, Very Quick.