You’re In Competition With Everyone.

Now Every Girl Is Expected To Have: Caucasian Blue Eyes, Full Spanish Lips, A Classic Button Nose, Hairless Asian Skin With A California Tan, A Jamaican Dance Hall Ass, Long Swedish Legs, Small Japanese Feet, The Abs Of A Lesbian Gym Owner, The Hips Of A Nine-year-old Boy, The Arms Of Michelle Obama, And Doll Tits. The Person Closest To Actually Achieving This Look Is Kim Kardashian, Who, As We Know, Was Made By Russian Scientists To Sabotage Our Athletes.

(my Proudest Moment As A Child Was The Time I Beat My Uncle Pierre At Scrabble With The Seven-letter Word Farting.)

Everybody Kind Of Gets To Be The Person They Didn't Get To Be.

When I Was Going To School In, Like, '84 To '88, You Didn't Have Cell Phones. There Was No E-mail, If You Can Wrap Your Brain Around That.

I'm More Of A Writer Than An Actor, And I Used To Say That I'm Mostly An Improviser, Though I Haven't Improvised In Awhile.