You Know Crazy Straws - They Go

I Got Binoculars 'cause I Don't Want To Go That Close.

I Saw A Commercial For An Above-ground Pool, It Was 30 Seconds Long. Because That's The Maximum Amount Of Time You Can Picture Yourself Having Fun In An Above-ground Pool. If It Was 31 Seconds, The Actor Would Say "the Water Is Only Up To Here? What Do I Do Now? Throw The Ball Back To Jimmy? Or Put Some Goggles On And Look At His Feet?"

I Hate Arrows. They Try To Tell Me Which Direction To Go. It's Like "i Ain't Going That Way, Line With Two Thirds Of A Triangle On The End!"

I Thought I'd Go To A Craft Fair, And There Would Be A Jar Of Jellybeans There - "guess How Many Jellybeans Are In This Jar, And Win A Prize". Aw, Come On, Man, Let Just Me Have Some. I'll Tell You What, Guess How Many Jellybeans I Want! If You Guessed A Handful, You Are Right.

People Ask Me For My Autograph After A Show. I'm Not Famous, I Think They're Messing With Me. I Think They're Trying To Make Me Late For Something.