Women Can Have All The Evidence But

Standup Comedians Are Attracted To One Another Because Of Their Faults. So We're All Kind Of Messed Up In The Same Way, And Once I Was Around A Group Of People That Saw The World In A Different Way, It's Like This Is Where I Need To Be.

Anything You Can Suck At Should Make You Nervous.

The Government Doesn't Want You To Use Your Drugs, They Want You To Use Their Drugs.

Are They Real Fires? Or Are People Just Reacting To Something? Just Because There’s An Alarm Going Doesn’t Mean It’s A Fire. And I Think That People Are Confusing The Two. It’s Only A Fire When It Offends The Fans, And The Fans Turn On You. Tosh Has Fans, And They Get The Joke. If You’ve Watched Enough Tracy Morgan, You Let The Worst Thing Go By. When Did Tracy Morgan Become Walter Cronkite? You Have To Mean Something To Me To Offend Me. You Can’t Break Up With Me If We Don’t Date.

I Think All The Funny People Were Bullied. When They Talk About Outlawing Bullying, It's Like, What? You Want No Comedy Central?