Whatever Happened To The Good Ole Days,

When Deciding Between Two Competing Theories, Always Go With The One That Doesn't Involve A Magic Spell.

A Computer Once Beat Me At Chess, But It Was No Match For Me At Kick Boxing.

I Pray A Simple Prayer Every Morning. It's An Ecumenical Prayer. Whether You're Catholic Or Jewish Or Muslim Or Hindu, I Think It Speaks To The Heart Of Every Faith. It Goes “lord Please Break The Laws Of The Universe For My Convenience. Amen.”

I Got A Letter From The Irs. Apparently I Owe Them $800. So I Sent Them A Letter Back. I Said, If You'll Remember, I Fastened My Return With A Paper Clip, Which According To Your Very Own Latest Government Pentagon Spending Figures Will More Than Make Up For The Difference.

When I Was A Kid My Parents Used To Tell Me, "emo, Don't Go Near The Cellar Door!" One Day When They Were Away, I Went Up To The Cellar Door. And I Pushed It And Walked Through And Saw Strange, Wonderful Things, Things I Had Never Seen Before, Like... Trees. Grass. Flowers. The Sun... That Was Nice... The Sun.