There's Nothing That Beats Proving You're Funny

I've Had Soccer Moms Come Up And Tell Me They Can Relate When I Say That I Want To Throw My Baby In The Trash.

I'm A Good Citizen. I'm A Good Father. I Recycle And I Masturbate.

The Ability To Just Sit There. That's Being A Person.

My Kids And I Figured Out That There’s A Third Kind Of Person, And I Don’t Know What You Call Them, But It’s Somebody Who Sees That The Glass Is Always Full Because It’s Half Full With Water And Half Full With Nothing, So That’s The Third Kind Of Person. I Don’t Know What It Is.

Performing Comedy, You Develop A Rhythm Of Ideas And Laughs. I Live For It.