The 4th Of July Combines The Two

Fifteen Years Ago Tomorrow I Had Open Heart Surgery, A Quintuple Bypass Surgery. Thanks To All Of My Doctors. Because Of Them, In 15 Years Of Life I've Been Able To Experience, Well, Acid Reflux, Short-term Memory Loss, And Erectile Dysfunction. Thanks For All Your Work. It's Great To Be Alive.

I Don't Mind Being Accused Of Being A Bad Comedian And I Don't Even Mind Being Accused Of Being A Bad Talk-show Host, But I Never Want To Be Accused Of Being An Arrogant, Pompous Showbiz Asshole.

Sarah Palin, Part-time Governor Of Alaska, Is Angry Because Michele Obama Is Encouraging Kids To Eat Healthy. Sarah Palin Believes The Government Shouldn't Tell Us What To Do. Sarah Palin Believes She Should Tell Us What To Do.

It's Disappointing When You Finally Get To Meet Someone You Admire And He Conducts Himself As A Jerk.

Quiet Down, We Don't Want To Wake The Russians.