The Copyeditor I Drew Was A Brachycephalic,

The Nice Thing About Southerners Is The Way We Enjoy Our Neuroses.

Americans Respect Talent Only Insofar As It Leads To Fame, And We Reserve Our Most Fervent Admiration For Famous People Who Destroy Their Lives As Well As Their Talent. The Fatal Flaws Of Elvis, Judy, And Marilyn Register Much Higher On Our National Applause Meter Than Their Living Achievements. In Amerca, Talent Is Merely A Tool For Becoming Famous In Life So You Can Become More Famous In Death - Where All Are Equal.

As The Only Class Distinction Available In A Democracy, The College Degree Has Created A Caste Society As Rigid As Ancient India's. Condemning Elitism And Simultaneously Quaking In Fear That Our Children Won't Become Members Of The Elite, We Send Them To College, Not To Learn, But To "be" College Graduates, Rationalizing Our Snobbery With The Cliché That High Technology Has Eliminated The Need For The Manual Labor That We Secretly Hold In Contempt.

When Women Talk About "privacy" They Mean Abortion Rights, And The Millions Of Words Feminists Have Written About "a Room Of One'sown" Refer To Psychological Space, Rarely To Physical Solitude. For Most Women Being Alone Is Tantamount To Being Deserted.

Misanthropes Have Some Admirable If Paradoxical Virtues. It Is No Exaggeration To Say That We Are Among The Nicest People You Are Likely To Meet. Because Good Manners Build Sturdy Walls, Our Distaste For Intimacy Makes Us Exceedingly Cordial "ships That Pass In The Night." As Long As You Remain A Stranger We Will Be Your Friend Forever.