The Average Late-night Viewer Is In Their

If You Had A Personal Trainer, You Would Probably Eat Him. I Know That In Every Fat Person, There's A Skinny Person Inside, But You Could Have All The Season's Contestants Of America's Next Top Model In You. I Hope I Get Reincarnated As Your Feet. That Way, You'd Never See My Face Again... Oh, I'm Sorry. I Shouldn't Have Insulted You. Because In My Country, Cows Are Sacred.

Laughter Survives... It Has To Survive.

If You Want A Show To Succeed, You're Going To Have To Have A Certain Amount Of People Watch Who Are Non-black And Non-latino. If You Can't Cross Over, You Don't Belong On Tv. That's Not Just Me Saying It. That's Just The Way It Is.

As Long As You're A Tax Deduction, You'll Always Be Safe In My House.

If Laughter Is The Best Medicine, I Promise To Continue To Make You Laugh As My Wife And I Work Together With The National Kidney Foundation To Save Lives.