Thank You... Apple, For Adding A Camera

The White House Encouraged Tom Brady To Be More Of A Role Model. They Would've Said More, But There Was A Drunken Secret Service Agent Streaking Across The Rose Garden.

Despite Russia's Move To Raise Interest Rates This Week, The Value Of The Ruble Has Continued To Crash. Russia's Economy Is So Bad, Edward Snowden Had To Put Government Secrets On Craigslist.

That's Right, Mitt Romney Took On Evander Holyfield In A Boxing Match For Charity, And It Was A Pretty One-sided Fight. But It Was Still Not The Worst Boxing Match We've Seen This Month. This Weekend Vladimir Putin Played In An Exhibition Hockey Game With Some Former Nhl Players And Scored Eight Goals. Even Evander Holyfield And Mitt Romney Said, 'that Looks Fake.'

Don't Keep Reaching For The Stars Because You'll Just Look Like An Idiot Stretching That Way For No Reason.

President Obama Is Launching A New $6 Billion Space Policy That Will Ultimately Take Astronauts To Mars. Of Course, It's $6 Billion And $45 If The Astronauts Have A Carry-on.