Success Is The Enemy Of Comedy.

Make No Mistake About Why These Babies Are Here - They Are Here To Replace Us.

It's Like Having... You Know, Your Phone Has A Charger, Right? It's Like Having A Charger For Your Whole Body And Mind. That's What Transcendental Meditation Is!

Keep Your Head Up In Failure And Your Head Down In Success.

I Didn't Know Every Day I Would Be Discussing The Tone Of My Voice With My Wife. I Thought It Was A Marriage. Apparently, It's A Musical.

I Prefer The Old Theaters Because The Audience Is... Trapped.