(responding To A Sneeze From The Audience)

Well, All's Fair In Love, War And Fooling The Critics.

When I Was A Little Boy And Played Liebestraum, My Father Used To Hit Me On The Head With A Newspaper Every Time I Slopped The Cadenza . . . I Hate Liebestraum.

Occasionally, A Finger Comes Up To Wipe A Tear [of Laughter] From The Eye... And That's My Reward... The Rest Goes To The Government.

I Don't Mind Going Back To Daylight Saving Time. With Inflation, The Hour Will Be The Only Thing I've Saved All Year.

What Soap Is To The Body, Laughter Is To The Soul. Laughter Is The Shortest Distance Between Two People.