On The Show, You Have To Be

I Let A Friend Set Me Up On A Blind Date. It Was A Disaster. She Ended Up Being A Burn Victim. By The End Of The Night.

Valentine's Day Was Created By The Greeting Card Industry To Get Pussy.

I Can Drink Like A Fish, Or At Least, Someone Born With Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

Comedy Central Made Me Delete The Boston Marathon Joke. I Wasn't Happy About It But, Despite Popular Belief, I Can Occasionally Be A Team Player.

I Like To Play Pranks On My Girlfriend, You Know, Keep Things Fresh For Me, Make Me Laugh, You Know? She Hates It. But Like, The Other Night, I Put Saran Wrap Over The Toilet Seat, You Know, Which Doesn't Sound That Original, But She's Bulimic.