Not All Shabby Is Chic, Just Like

I Was Surprised By How Much I Loved Portland. It Is So Wonderfully Creative Without Being Artsy. Great Food Scene.

I Can Say With A Solid Degree Of Authority That I Am A Selfish Person. I Spontaneously Forget The Names Of More People Than Not, Unless I Want To Make Out With Them. I Will Take The Last Square Of Toilet Paper Off The Roll Without Thinking Twice. I Tip Taxi Drivers So Poorly I'm Amazed None Of Them Have Run Over My Foot While Speeding Off.

I Don't Do Emoticons Unless I'm Making A Big Deal Out Of Them. I'll Type Out, 'this Is So Amusing It Makes Me Want To Grin In Pixels.' And Then Do It.

Sometimes In New York, You're Walking Down The Street And You Realize There's A Girl Walking In Front Of You Whose Thighs You Could Hit A Golf Ball Through, And Maybe That Makes You Depressed.

I Thought I Was Going To Write Fiction But I Fell Backwards Into Non-fiction. It Started When I Got Locked Out Of Two Apartments In One Day And I Told The Story To Some Friends, One Of Whom Worked In The 'village Voice' And Asked Me To Turn It Into An Essay.