I've Been Keeping Diaries For 27 Years.

Everyone Looks Retarded Once You Set Your Mind To It.

Remember That The Most Important Thing Is To Try And Love Other People As Much As They Love You.

The Drama Bug Strikes Hardest With Jews, Homosexuals And Plump Women Who Wear Their Hair In Bangs. These Are People Who, For One Reason Or Another, Desperately Crave Attention

I Haven't Got The Slightest Idea How To Change People, But Still I Keep A Long List Of Prospective Candidates Just In Case I Should Ever Figure It Out.

I Rejected The Word Humorist For A Long Time Because I Thought That It Meant You Had, Like, A Cardigan Sweater With Patches On The Elbows, But Now I'm Old And I Do. I Grew Into That Word. I Think At Heart, All This Time, I've Been A Diarist. I'm Not Ashamed Of It.