It's Weird Watching President Bush Struggle With

President Bush Said John Kerry Is On Both Sides Of Every Issue. And Kerry Replied, 'no, I'm Not ... But There Is Some Truth To That.'

Our Top Story, In 'threat Matrix Reloaded' News ... Attorney General John Ashcroft And Fbi Director Robert Muller Held A Press Conference Today To Announce That Al Qaeda Is Planning Attacks Somewhere Inside The United States At Sometime In The Future. So Go About Your Normal Lives, But With A Vague Sense Of Foreboding.

Here In California, One Candidate For Governor Is A 100-year-old Woman. She's Going Door-to-door And Asking One Simple Question - 'do I Live Here?'

As The Democrats Get Revved Up At Their Convention In Boston, President Bush Is Fighting Back The Only Way He Knows How: By Going On Vacation! Ah, It's Nice To Take A Rest, Replenish Your Supply Of Smirks. The Vacation Was Expected, Because Bush Traditionally Takes A Month Off Every Summer To Relax And Avoid Reading National Security Warnings.

Boeing Is Working On An Invisible Fighter Jet So Nobody Can See Who's Flying It. Didn't George Bush Fly This In The National Guard, I Believe?