Instead Of Running For President, Why Don’t

Sometimes During My Set I Invite Volunteers Up On Stage To Get Speed-roasted And I'm Worried That I May Have Hundreds Of People Rushing The Stage All At Once. Luckily I'm A Black Belt In Karate And I Can Fend Them Off.

People Are Not Afraid To Be Very Direct With Police. And I Think That's Part Of The Problem Is That People Are Angry At The Cops And Then The Cops Are Stressed Out And They, You Know, Pay It Backwards, So To Speak.

Life Is Tough, And If We Don't Laugh, We're Going To - Our Head Will Explode.

I've Actually Tried To Roast Somebody That I Don't Like, And It Doesn't Go Well. Either They're A Bad Sport Or I'm Not As Funny As I Could Be.

I Don't Think It's Unfair To Have Writers. I Think If You're Going To Do A Roast On Television, As If You Were Doing A Play Or You Were Reading A Script Of A Movie, You Would Have The Best Possible Material. And Those Are The People Who Score, The People Who Are Willing To Listen To The Roasting Experts And Then Come Out There And Own That Material.