I'm Thinking Of Buying A Church And

I Hope No One Asks Me To Show Them The Ropes; I Have No Idea Where They Are. Maybe I Could Pull Some Strings And Find Out.

If A Lobster Didn't Look Like A Sci-fi Monster, People Would Be Less Able To Drop Him Alive Into Boiling Water.

One Good Reason To Only Maintain A Small Circle Of Friends Is That Three Out Of Four Murders Are Committed By People Who Know The Victim.

Bowling Is Not A Sport Because You Have To Rent The Shoes.

I Think The Warning Labels On Alcoholic Beverages Are Too Bland. They Should Be More Vivid. Here Are A Few I Would Suggest: "alcohol Will Turn You Into The Same Asshole Your Father Was."; "drinking Will Significantly Improve Your Chances Of Murdering A Loved One."; "if You Drink Long Enough, At Some Point You Will Vomit Up The Lining Of Your Stomach."; "use This Product And You May Wake Up In Morocco Wearing A Cowboy Suit And Tongue-kissing A Transmission Salesman."