I'm So Much More Famous Than I

I Was Raised On Government Cheese. As An Adult, In My First Marriage, My Husband And I Worked Real Hard Just To Go Bankrupt. I Happened To Write Some Jokes About It. I Did Real Well For Myself.

I'm Never Going To Get Married Again. Three Strikes, You're Out. I Think If I Would Try To Get Married Again In California, I Have To Go To Prison, Don't I? I Think You Only Get Three.

I Like Facts And Data Because They Help Me Think Clearly, Beyond The Cultural Messages That I Ingest Unwittingly, And Sometimes Find Myself Regurgitating Almost Unconsciously.

My Kids Were Completely Out Of Control, While I Was Working Fifteen Hours A Day Plus Weekends. I Screamed A Lot, Something I'm Not Particularly Proud Of, But It Was That Or Firearms.

I'm Fat And Proud Of It. If Someone Asks Me How My Diet Is Going, I Say 'fine - How Was Your Lobotomy?'