I'm Not A Republican... But I Am

Sex Is Logically Impossible After Marriage. You Have To Overcome The Paradox Of Not This Again, And Hey, Where Did You Learn That?

The Other Day A Woman Came Up To Me And Said, Didn't I See You On Television? I Said, I Don't Know. You Can't See Out The Other Way.

Coming Up With A Funny Joke Is Like Falling In Love: It Can Hit You Any Time, Anywhere. Having Said That, The More You Put Yourself Out There, The Better Your Odds Will Be.

I Started Doing Stand-up At The Age Of 20. This Was Back In 1976, Around The Time (coincidence?) That The First Comedy Clubs Were Starting. The Young Comedians Of Today Gasp When I Tell Them How Many Shows I Did That First Year: 500. Five Nights A Week.

I Don't Know How Electricity Works. All I Know Is That It Calms Me.